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Common Traits of BatterersAbused women are victims; they are NOT responsible for provoking - or correcting the behavior of their abusers. Batterers are likely to be someone a woman knows and loves. Initially, the batterer may seem charming, attentive, and seductive. They are usually not crazy, but are people whose behavior is learned and socially reinforced. They look like average people and are not usually violent in the early stages of relationships. Batterer CharacteristicsExcessive Jealousy - Has jealous reactions to many things in your life, including casual, minor contacts with such people as store clerks or neighbors. Often very jealous of friends, family, children, and pets. Verbal Abusiveness - Uses putdowns such as "You're stupid" or "You're not a good mother" to destroy your self-esteem. The abusive language may escalate into rage or physical attacks. Controlling Behavior - Demands rigid accounts of your every move,
and will often make follow-up calls to confirm your whereabouts.
A batterer is unwilling to distinguish between caring and controlling
behavior. Unwillingness to Control Anger - Has frequent violent outbursts such as ramming fists through walls; often gets into brawls, often with little warning. A batterer often throws things, kicks things, and goes into verbal rages. Use of Violence - Uses force or intimidation to "win" arguments; destroys physical objects; may have a history of cruelty to children as well as animals; may use force during sex. Alcohol and Drug Abuse - Abuses substances, particularly alcohol, but not all batterers are addicts or alcoholics. Drugs and alcohol may make a batterer more violent - but they do not explain the violence. Batterers continue to batter even after they quit using drugs and alcohol. Rigid Gender Roles - Believes that women are possessions and that they should cater to and unquestioningly obey men. Often has uncompromising ideas about what women's and men's roles, rights, and "duties" are. Former Victim Of or Witness To Domestic Violence - Of batterers who are currently battering, 73% grew up in an abusive household or witnessed domestic violence as a child. This does not excuse his behavior. It gives him the responsibility to learn to do something different from what he learned. Lack of Sensitivity - Unwilling to appreciate other people's feelings. Batterers believe that people who think or feel differently than themselves are wrong. It is the batterer's way - or no way! Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem - Has overwhelming feelings of inadequacy regarding several areas of his/her life. Batterers work hard to hide their feelings. As such, they often appear confident, charming, and in control. Denial of Responsibility - Blames violent episodes on the victims. Common statements include, "She made me do it," and "If you hadn't done -----, I wouldn't have had to be violent." Batterers believe they should not have to face consequences for their behavior. They think there are acceptable excuses for the violence and give themselves permission to batter. Lack of Communication - Refuses to take responsibility to share
honest feelings and thoughts. Does not talk through conflicts to
an equally negotiated resolution. Dependency - Wants to be taken care of without asking for it directly or sharing. Batterers think it is others' responsibility to make sure their needs are met and they are the victim if someone is not taking care of them. Self-Centered - Believe that the only things that are important are the things that pertain to them. They think everything should happen the way they want and they have the right to push as hard as necessary to get things their way. Batterers do not respect boundaries or other people's opinions, thoughts, or feelings. They act as if they are the "Center of the Universe."
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